All Emotions Welcomed Here!
Life Lemon #8: Life gives us all kinds of lemons, whether you like it or not, that’s the fun part.
‘I am actually happy with where I am in life right now’
Even though the words rolled out of my mouth without effort, they felt alien to me. It is very strange for me to accept I feel happiness without fearing it will be over as soon as I admit it. Not accepting happiness has kept me safe for many years.
But that night, sitting across from a stranger, I felt comfortable with the idea that all my feelings were invited to the table, happiness included. It is a rarity for me to be happy where I am in life. I have travelled across 12 countries and lived a temporary life since the last two years. I like to think that now that I am only looking forward and the place I am in is where I will be for the next years to come, I am fine with putting my bags down without feeling the need to grip them loosely.
In hindsight, I was only surviving for the last two years while having not much to look forward to except holidays. Everyday ennui ensured I kept a count of my days till May. Regardless, I am grateful for whoever I became towards the end of it. In a way, it was the combination of living alone and coming back home to continue building a life here that made me more self-assured and aware of what makes me happy.
At the end of the day, no matter where I choose to live, how hard I work, my favourite way to spend the night is to connect with someone physically. Living away, however, I wished that this entire need would go away, because fulfilling it wasn’t an option. At least not an easy one. It took a lot of self-soothing and surrendering to realise that I can’t un-invite loneliness from the table. I can’t keep going to therapy to feel happy while dismissing my other emotions.
As much as I didn’t like feeling that feeling, it was still mine to feel and acknowledge. Over the years, I have begun liking doing the difficult thing, because I know, with experience, that on the other end of a difficult conversation, a difficult feeling, a difficult decision, is the side of me that has better odds at being happy. I say odds, because I can tolerate it being a possibility and not a guarantee. Forcing the latter is such a stressful way to live.
I think I am less sad, or more happy right now, because I am going less against myself. If I can’t change the flow of things, let me just learn to swim with the waves.
Words stuck in my head:
In order to fight power, sometimes you have to embrace power - 3 Body Problem, Netflix.
I am reading a lot less because my days have been too busy. I am however loving this Netflix sci-fi show. This dialogue hits home because it resonates with my internal conflict. I think it says the same thing as - To be the good guy in your story, you have to be the bad guy in someone else’s. With a lot of mistakes and discomfort I am trying to make peace with this idea.
Spotify Favourites:
For the love of Julian Casablancas -
Until next lime🍋,
K from A Life full of Lemons.